I work for our local health department as a family support worker in the HANDS program. This means I spend my days doing weekly home visits with amazing mommas from the time they find out they are expecting until their little one turns two. One of my favorite topics to cover with them is parenting with empathy. Empathy is a term many people aren't familiar with and It helps them to understand when I pose the question “Have you ever lost someone that you really cared about?” Most, if not all of them have experienced some type of loss. My next question is to ask them that if someone were to approach them after their loss what would be more comforting to them?
“I am so sorry you lost your mom, let me know if I can do anything.” (sympathy) OR
“I am so sorry you lost your mom, I’ve lost mine too and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever walked through. You miss being able to talk to her and wish you could just call her or see her one more time. It really hurts right now, by I promise it will get easier with time.” (empathy)
They always agree, the second response is the one that means more and touches them at a different level. It makes them feel more understood. When we are hurting, empathy is a balm that helps soothe our heart because we feel like someone understands exactly what we are going through. Empathy makes us feel less alone.
I say all this because today I want to tell you about someone who gave me the gift of empathy when I needed it most.
As people began hearing about Lorris having trisomy 18 a friend of mine reached out and gave me the name of someone just a town away who had a baby with the same diagnosis as Lorris just a few years before. As soon as I found out about her I frantically began searching for a way to contact her. Turns out, she had already heard about me and was looking for me too.
Lynn was a gift, one of many that God would bless me with during that time. We connected for the first time over the telephone. While we talked that day Lynn shared with me, ( a complete stranger) the story of her sweet little baby boy James Frederick. Just a few years before, he had been diagnosed with trisomy 18. He had passed away right around his due date and was stillborn. She shared with me how they found out about his diagnosis, her pregnancy, her journey, his death, his delivery, and her own delivery into the life she and her family now live. A life of joy and hope.
I shared with her the emotional roller coaster we had been on the past few months, our diagnosis, my fears, my confusion, my desperation. I poured my heart out to her and this stranger quickly became my friend and biggest cheerleader.
Lynn filled me with encouragement and assured me that there would be a day beyond all of this. I’ll never forget her words, “Jenny God has picked you and Marty for a reason. He wanted you to be Lorris’s parents, the two of you, and he’s going to get you through this.” She told me how their son had changed her life, the way she lived and loved and said that even though I couldn’t see it now that Lorris was going to change our lives too- for the better.
Before we finished that first phone call she asked if she could pray with me and she told me to call her anytime day or night. She promised that she would be calling in the days to come. When our conversation ended I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was in this with me for the long haul. Sure enough, she did exactly what she said she would, she called me, checked in on me, spoke life to me, and poured into me with her prayers.
She had lost her son and even though she was a few years out I could tell that her feelings were still fresh. But here is the thing, when she heard about me she chose to relive every single bit of it to help me, a stranger. She could have chosen to keep it to herself, knowing that it would just be too hard, but she didn’t and for that I am so grateful. Not only did she reach out to me she committed to walking through it with me and lived that out in the days and weeks to come. She created a space for me to be honest and open about my fears and she related to me in a way that no one else could because she had walked through it herself. Every single time we talked she asked me how she could pray for me and offered an encouraging word.
Lynn modeled to me something I will take with me all my days. She showed me what it looked like to "go into the trenches" with someone. Not because we were already friends and thats what we were supposed to do. No, she showed me what it is like to say, "I don't know you, but I'm climbing in with you because that is what I'm called to do."
Friends, if we have lived any time at all we have a story. We’ve all walked through a rough patch, maybe because of circumstances completely out of our control or perhaps we made some choices that caused us to have to learn some lessons the hard way. Regardless, we possess the ability to give someone out there a tremendous gift.
The example Lynn set is the main reason I’m writing about our journey. What I want more than anything is to be there for a momma who deperately needs someone to jump in the trenches with her so she feels just a little less alone.